Kristina Diamond

TRIGGER WARNING - PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS

I remember finding out that I was pregnant for the first time. Miscarriage wasn't even a fleeting thought in my mind. And then the 6 week scan came and no heartbeat was detected. I still thought, oh it’s just early! See you in a week! 

I didn't see them in a week.

At that point, I thought of how oblivious I was. How the conversations with friends had previously gone and how utterly thoughtless my comments were. But I had to learn, what you don't know, you don't know. So, I learned and I tried to do better. And I spoke to friends and got them to ask me questions if they had any. And I thought this is how it’s meant to be, women speaking to women. And I wondered, why more women don’t speak about what they go through?

Then we started down the IVF route, and I got pregnant. And I was so excited. And the 6 week scan came. No heartbeat. And I felt my heart break. And I stopped talking. And I didn't want anyone to ask me questions. And I learned, you don't know, what you don't know.

IVF isn't magic. It's a long hard road for some of us. The injections, the pessaries, the scans, the blood tests, the waiting. It's a lot. 

Then my sister got pregnant while I transferred an embryo which failed. So I felt joy and grief at the same time. Then I got pregnant (naturally) and thought omg we'll have babies at the same time! It's a miracle baby! And I got to the 6 week scan. And there was no heartbeat. And my heart shattered. And while I wanted to feel joy for my sister, I was putting together my shattered heart. And I didn't want anyone to speak to me. And I wanted to hide from the world and never talk again. 

But my sister was having a little girl. So I put my heart back together. And I leaned in. And I thought, well if I don't end up having a baby, this little girl is mine too. And I poured all my love in. 

And Lilly was born on August 29th and for reasons we will never know, she was gone on September 2nd. And our hearts will never be the same. Because she changed us. She is our big little star. 

And I haven't wanted to talk, or to see anyone or even go buy milk. I have felt the deepest loss and the deepest love. But I would never want to take it away because she was here with us. And I loved her for her entire lifetime. I was there when she entered the world and when she left and that is the greatest privilege of my entire life. 

October is pregnancy and infancy loss month. I've wanted to do something and I've found a fundraiser for Bears of Hope. 

So for Lilly, I will leave the house and walk every day. For Lilly, I will raise awareness. If you're someone reading this and thinking you're alone, you're not. I'm here with you. I know that feeling of loss like you'll never put yourself back together. But something I've learned, women are stronger than anything on this earth. What we put our bodies and minds through blows me away. My sister is at the top of the strongest women I know list. So know, I see you and I'm with you. 

If you would like to donate to the charity I'm walking for the link is in my bio. They do amazing things and provide much needed support for grieving parents. For every $100 raised, a bear will be donated with Lilly's name to parents who have lost their baby. 

And for those who have never known loss like this, know I'm so genuinely happy that is your story. And if mine changes one thing for you I hope it's this, if you know someone facing loss of this kind don't ask, How are you? Ask, What did you get up to today? Maybe your friend had a shower, maybe she got out of bed, maybe she went to buy milk. If she has nothing to say, tell her about your day. Allow her to feel the normal flow of friendship. Send her a picture of the outside world. Maybe she'll reply, maybe she won't, don't take it personally. She will come back, be patient and if she lets you see it, let her cry with you.